Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
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women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
first you must answer his riddles
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.