And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
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[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
What’s a Messi?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate