Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
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I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
RT if you could go either way.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.