Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of LMHPhotog's best tweets

@LMHPhotog : YOU CAN'T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

@LMHPhotog: People think the word "queue" is just "q" followed by 4 silent letters.

But those letters are not silent.

They're just waiting for their turn.

@LMHPhotog: paramedic: can you tell me what happened

crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car

@LMHPhotog: Whenever people talk about "drug resistant super bugs", all I can think about is how proud I am of those little guys for having the willpower to stay clean & sober in what must be an incredibly dangerous and stressful environment.

@LMHPhotog: My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.

What a thing to Fallout 4.

@LMHPhotog: *picks up beef bouillon

*decides against it

*puts it down

*picks up chicken bouillon

*nods confidently

- stock exchange

@LMHPhotog: There are rumours floating around that Canada's Prime Minister isn't a nice guy.

They're not Trudeau.

@LMHPhotog: Duckling means "little duck".

As a result, I no longer eat dumplings.

@LMHPhotog: Ancient Man: Out of water. Let's walk 10,000 miles to a fresh continent.

Modern Man: Fridge is empty. Guess I'll just die in my kitchen.

@LMHPhotog: Asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog & Schrödinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.