YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS
YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS
YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF
DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
People think the word “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters.
But those letters are not silent.
They’re just waiting for their turn.
paramedic: can you tell me what happened
crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car
Whenever people talk about “drug resistant super bugs”, all I can think about is how proud I am of those little guys for having the willpower to stay clean & sober in what must be an incredibly dangerous and stressful environment.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.
What a thing to Fallout 4.
*picks up beef bouillon
*decides against it
*puts it down
*picks up chicken bouillon
– stock exchange
There are rumours floating around that Canada’s Prime Minister isn’t a nice guy.
They’re not Trudeau.
Duckling means “little duck”.
As a result, I no longer eat dumplings.
Ancient Man: Out of water. Let’s walk 10,000 miles to a fresh continent.
Modern Man: Fridge is empty. Guess I’ll just die in my kitchen.
*bursts into room
Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN
Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!
*holds up single kernel of corn
*gets violently beaten