Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
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[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
want me to check your oil?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP