wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
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ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Monday
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!