Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
You Might Also Like
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
we’re dead?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.