Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
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Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
*jazz hands*
Me too
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun