her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
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I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.