We should let prisoners take their own mug shots…I shall call it “The cellfie”
If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.
Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan
When someone says “surprise me”, I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.
Yes, your honor, but in my defense I thought he was stung by a jellyfish
The light at the end of the tunnel better be a damn computer screen
According to my next door neighbor’s diary I have “boundary issues” can you believe that?
I feel like life would be so much more enjoyable if punching bags and pinatas were strategically placed throughout the day
If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then condoms are about to become their #1 selling item.
Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.