I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
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“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
do horses think humans are hats
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*