When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
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The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.