“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
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I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My friend is an excellent librarian.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true