DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
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Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Saturday
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.