@LaLuchaNix

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

@LaLuchaNix

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

@LaLuchaNix

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

@LaLuchaNix

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

@LaLuchaNix

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

@LaLuchaNix

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

@LaLuchaNix

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.