Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.