The honesty is refreshing
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God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing