@LackOfShame

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

@LackOfShame

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

@LackOfShame

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

@LackOfShame

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

@LackOfShame

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

@LackOfShame

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

@LackOfShame

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

@LackOfShame

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.