You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
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[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park