Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My typo game is string.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
January has been Januweary
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard