@LackOfShame

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

@LackOfShame

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

@LackOfShame

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

@LackOfShame

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

@LackOfShame

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

@LackOfShame

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.