Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.