Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
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Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*Inspirational Tweets*
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit