My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
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When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.