Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks