ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
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[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?