11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married