I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
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My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position