IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Best table by far
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
This dude got his own movie?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur