The struggle is real
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Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Effort made
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together