Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
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age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Not now. I’m deglazing.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.