If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
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Noah
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.