Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
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Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
There’s only one good girl here!
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.