In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
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What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
i wish we could shoplift online
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you