I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now