Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse