Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.