Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
(Jupiter –
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
found this cool rock hiking today
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
when u come home smelling like another dog
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”