Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.