Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
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My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Doggies just call it style.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf