Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
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My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.