I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”