If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
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Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair