[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness