He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.