Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today