i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
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If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
White Castle for the Win
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!