Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
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insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
#Caturday
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
When you’ve simply given up.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl