Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of LeBearGirdle's best tweets

@LeBearGirdle : With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they're gonna scream my name and I'll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista's cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

@LeBearGirdle: *valentine's night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can't hear you

@LeBearGirdle: *during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

@LeBearGirdle: Me at 15: I can't wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night :)

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it 'The Berry Delight' and it is bad

@LeBearGirdle: Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

@LeBearGirdle: *looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn't it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

@LeBearGirdle: Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

@LeBearGirdle: God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can't possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

@LeBearGirdle: Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

@LeBearGirdle: Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?

*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*

Me: OH MY