I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
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I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian