Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
You Might Also Like
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Lol.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Why soy sad?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.