Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Her: Ok you hang up.
Him: No, you hang up first.
Her: No, you first.
Him: No, you first.
NSA: Both of you hang up.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo