therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
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Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸