*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
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Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”